Dad wars
by Silvyavan
Summary: (Inspired by fakeanimesubs' post on Tumblr) Kureto had been feeling jealous over some time. One day ,he realizes why and because of who. Chaos happens and Shinya feels as if he needs a vacation. CRACK . Don't like, don't read.


This is inspired off of a really funny tumblr post. Don't judge me. Maybe. I bet you people are very unhappy at this stuff. Terribly sorry but at the same time screw sleep. It's like 3 am.

 _ **Also, the picture of the cover is from fakeanimesubs from tumblr, and yes I was given permission to use this for the cover. But all credit for the picture goes to the admin.**_

Warnings : slight OOC ( I think) , very abnormal glaring and this may or may not be cracked as f***. Not exactly serious. Don't like, don't read .

-x-

Jealousy. Also known as Envy, the sin of not having something that the other has and feeling angry because of it. Or something of the sort. Kureto would rather dip his head into a pot of boiling water for ten minutes and then smash it against a brick of ice than to admit that he was envious of someone. He didn't even think he could harbor emotions such as that. He was a Hiragi. A member of the family that had resurected humanity and had given it a chance to take back it's rights and to cut down the bloodsuckers, commonly known as vampires. People should envy _him. Not the other way around.._

Yet here he was, glaring at Guren Ichinose as he left the meeting room _once again_ , to do something else. Because, clearly, there was something more important than a meeting of humanity's top leaders. He had no idea how his father was able to tolerate the man.

In his eyes, Guren was one of the laziest subordinates he had ever met. He was sure of the fact that quite a few people in the room disliked him. He was no exception.

Yet he was somehow...envious of what the man had. He would never admit it and the very thought of it disgusted him, but he envied him. No, not his looks (he was sure as hell that he was way more hansome than him. His eyebrows were no exception.) nor his power. It was someone he had under his wing. Yuuichiro Hyakuya.

It all started aproximetly four years agowhen Guren went on a trip because of something. He didn't know what kind of excuse he used to bail himself out of doing paperwork but it must've been good. He was gone for about three days and the meetings had never been more serious. It was almost out of place.

Then he came back. With a kid. He had taken two female souldiers with him. Questions were asked and Guren had told them that the poor child was used as livestock in the vampire capital, Sanguiem, and was barely able to escape. It was only by sheer luck that he had been near when the boy ran out of the capital into the cold weather. That, and he said that he had wanted to kill vampires.

The kid had been clinging to Guren, most likely from trauma. His clothing was bloodied with dead brain cells in it. Guren had told them that he tried to escape the capital with his family, but ended up being the only one to survive.

So in a summary, Guren brought back a traumatised boy, hellbent on killing vampires for vengeance, and adopted him. He didn't know if he would be a helpful aspect in defeating the bloodsuckers or probably kill himself in the process. Over the four years, he had proven the former.

Still, Kureto hadn't understood why he was envious of Guren because of the boy. It was confusing and impossible to figure out. That is until one day, when Shinya was having lunch with him. Usually, he wouldn't mind his company and try to ignore his presence. Today was not "usually". Today he was talking, quite quickly Infact. He had tried to ignore the words falling out of his adoptive brother's mouth, but that proved to be difficult. So his only salvation was to listen and hopefully wait it out.

" You know, I saw Guren with Yuu the other day. They were having an argument but Guren shut him up saying " I'm doing this because I care. And because your family would care as well. Don't tell me you've forgotten that we're family?" or something. He's such a caring father-figure to him, don't you agree?" Those two words struck his brain. _Father figure._

Kureto realized it. He wasn't jealous. His brain was just trying not to see the fact that this was most likely some sort of competition to see who was better than the other. Simple rivalry. And he was going prove to Guren that he was able to be a better parental figure than he would ever hope to be.

" Um, Kureto-nii, why are standing in that position?"- asked Shinya. His brother had just stopped eating his food, dropped the fork and stood up with a fist raised in a determined manor. He desperately tried to ignore the wierd look on his face that only ment trouble. Fortunately, he snapped some sense into his adoptive brotheras his expression changed to a more serious look and sat down.

" *cough* Oh, I, uh, just remembered something very important. Shinya, if you come across Guren , please tell him that I have a matter to discuss with him and he should come to my office at once to discuss it. Now, "- he said getting off the table , dusting himself off.-" I have more important matters to attend to." And with that he left. Meanwhile , in Kureto's mind, a plan was being formed.

 _Timeskip: about one and a half hour later..._

Guren was walking towards Kureto's office or room or something. The thing was too big to be an office and too secluded to be a study room. The place looked more like a fancy (and very empty) torture chamber with a desk. Why would he even call him there?

' _Meh, whatever. Let's just get this over with. '_ -he thought. He was already standing in front of the door. He then pushed out all sense of reasoning at the back of his head, knowing that this will be anything but reasonable. Not by a long shot.

As he entered the room ( he had given up on calling it an office ), Kureto was sitting behind his desk, knuckles supporting his chin and looking at Guren with a solid look. He was almost expecting him to walk through those doors. This was already uncomfortable and he just walked into the room. There was a metal portable chair in front of the desk.

" Guren, " said Kureto" I see that you have answered my request. Please take a seat. "He motioned to the metal chair.

" Nah, I'll be fine standing. " replied Guren. This was getting suspicious.

" Please, I insist. "

 _' And fall for your sadistic whoppie-cushion prank or whatever you've hidden in that portable torture seat? I'll take my chances with the floor. The tiles look more welcoming than that'_

 _" Since when are you so generous as to give those lower than you a chair?" Asked Guren. He was not going to sit in that chair. Getting called to his room was already dangerous. Being a sitting duck in it ( literally ) was a lot worse._

 _" Fine, suit yourself. Now_ as to the reason why I called you here. I have looked over the files and records of one of the few people who you have taught. One that you've been teaching for approximately four years. " and at that moment, Guren realized, he messed up. Somewhere. Somehow. " His name was Yuuichiro Amano but apparently he changed it to Hyakuya, am I correct? " Screw profanity, he downright f***ed up. He couldn't help but feel guilty.

" So? What's your point?"- asked Guren.

" I'm saying you're a bad influence on him. "

 ** _Dear Guren Ichinose, due to utter and complete confusion on what he just said, I believe I have stopped working properly. Sincerely ,your brain._**

Guren blinked a few times before knocking himself back into unholy reality. He then began counting from one to ten and vice-versa. He checked if he was still sane and not deaf. He looked around the room , expecting something stupid to happen.

" Excuse me? I think I heard you incorrectly. Would you mind repeating?"

" I said that you're a bad influence on Yuuichiro Hyakuya. "

" Are we surrendering to the vampires, because you're either an imposter , you've lost your mind or the apocalypse is here to reign down on us with unholy chaos. Your pick. "

" I'm having none of it , Guren. I am very serious and since he has already attained a cursed gear, one from the Black Demon series nonetheless, I do not think that you are able to teach him or be a parental figure at this point. All of his interactions with other people have shown him as a lone wolf and he only hardly got out by an attack from a vampire. I do not believe that you are suitable for being a legal guardian. I am sure you're aware of that as well and willing to adopt him. Shinoa and Shinya are already acquainted with him and he would be wonderful edition. Unlike you." (Ifyou squint hard enough you could almost see the mockery and manipulation in his words. )

" Are you saying I'm a horrible teacher and father? Well, excuse you but what exactly makes you any different, if not worse than me?" That last line had hit a nerve in Guren.

" Perhaps. I do not see any improvement in his grades nor his team work. And for your information, if you're that dense, yes , I would probably be better than you in parenting and many other things."

"With what information? I've had more experience with that kid than you'll ever have. And since when does the oh-so mighty Kureto Hiragi care about my souldiers? Besides ,what could you use as experience in raising a teenager with a vendetta against vampires?!"

" At least he won't end up being my weapon against bloodsuckers , if he even dies. Unlike someone. " oh he was asking for it. He could handle dealing with insults. But dragging Mahiru into this. Oh game on.

 _Game on indeed, you son of an airplane with eyebrows._

Timeskip: about seven minutes, maximum.

Shinya was walking past Kureto's office when he heard strangled noises and a loud "IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT YOU GLUTTONUOS AIRCRAFT. YESTERDAYS DIARRHEA HIT ME HARDER THAN THAT!". Worry sparked and ignited the flame of concern. Next thing he knew he pushed the doors open. There was mass confusion.

Kureto was standing on top of his desk with his fancy chair as a weapon against Guren, who was in using a folded metal chair as a sword . They were both a bit roughed up. Shinya decided thay the best choice would be to close the door. And he did.

X-X

So yeah that was it. If you want me to make another like that, I dunno, just say it I guess. A friendly reminder that this is crack.


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